Mary Sue Crackfic Adventure of Epic Proportions
by bottle of beast
Summary: Ed and Al are called to capture Joe/Alfred Munchit, the Food Alchemist, wanted for transmuting cats into fast food. A seemingly impossible task, but with the help of Evangeline Germainie Demetria Evrecia, qualified Mary Sue, they just might succeed! But will they keep their sanity AND save the cats of the world? Mary Sue!fic. Crack!fic. Implied Ed/OC. OOC.


It was a nice, normal day. Ed and Al were on a mission, a simple number that didn't near require their great alchemy skills. It was because of this that Ed was in a very pissy mood. He would rather be looking for the Philosopher's Stone, not trying to capture Joe Munchit, the Food Alchemist. Joe used cats and turned them into food, a horrible practice that had been banned by humanity years ago. He was obviously a rebel.

"This is stupid," Ed said, being his usual whiny self. "I'd rather be looking for the stone!"

"Look on the bright side, Brother." Al tried to be optimistic. "If we do this right and quickly, Mustang will choose better missions for us as a compensation!"

"Fuck you and your logic!" Ed cried. "Don't you understand? The author doesn't know how to start this story off! She needs my help to give short rants and be a whiny asshole. Let me whine in peace!"

"Okay."

So Ed whined and Al ignored him, thinking of what kind of rice he'd like to have when he got his body back. Xingese fried rice, perhaps ... Or wild rice with corn and-

"Al!" Edward pointed an automail finger in the distance, where a hooded figure ran and quickly ducked into an alleyway. "That guy looks suspicious! Let's follow him!"

"Ed, there's a near impossible chance of him being Joe Munchit. This is a big town and–"

"Shut up, Al!" His brother was already running ahead, after their suspect. Al followed, having no choice. It was either suffering Ed's personality or paying for a lawsuit. As bad as the former was, the latter was far impossible, as Ed had spent all their life savings on Furbies.

"Stop!" Edward screamed. The hooded figure whipped around. He was chewing on something, and the smell of hamburger meat stained the dark atmosphere.

"Joe Munchit, I assume?" Ed said, grinning triumphantly.

"Actually, my name is Alfred, but-"

"Shut up!" Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. Alfred yelped and Al ran and grabbed it from his brother's hands.

"Ed, what are you doing?!" he exclaimed, looking shocked. "We're supposed to arrest him, not kill him!"

The blonde alchemist's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "But why was the gun in my pocket if I wasn't supposed to use it?"

"The author has a bad sense of humor," Al explained patiently.

"Oh. So what do I do?"

"Use alchemy, of course!"

"Oh, yeah!" Ed smiled and turned to the alley corner, hands ready to do some serious clapping.

But the spot was empty. Where Alfred Munchit had been two seconds ago was a hamburger wrapper and two tampons.

"Damnit!" Edward cursed. "He got away!" This day was getting worse and worse, like his mood. He felt like punching something. Anything!

He was turning to Alphonse, ready to get those punching needs out, when he heard a voice. This voice had a sweet melody to it, like a bird. The Elric brothers turned to its source and gasped.

There, right in front of them, was a girl. She was a beautiful girl, with flowing blonde hair that fell to her waist. It was in perfect curls, with not a tangle or split end in sight, and it shined like spun gold. To match her lovely locks, the girl had golden eyes, as honey-like as her voice. Her body was thin and, yet, still curvy, with big breasts that somehow didn't bounce annoyingly, and a round butt.

All traces of Ed's bad mood and Al's dignity and will disappeared.

"Hello!" she said. "My name is Evangeline Germainie Demetria Evrecia." She smiled angelically.

"My name is Edward Elric." Ed's voice had the dreamy quality of one hopelessly in love. Very un-Ed-like traits.

"And I'm Alphonse Elric!" Al piped up. They both ignored him.

"I'm the Cat Alchemist!" Evangeline told them.

"I've heard of you!" Edward said. "Tell me your life story!"

"Well," Evangeline began. "I was born on Christmas day–"

"Christmas doesn't exist here," Al pointed out. "Only in fanfictions where they have all the facts wrong."

"Shut up, Al!" Ed and Evangeline said together.

"Anyway, I was born on Christmas day, to a family. They were all ugly, and I wasn't. They were mad at me, jealous of my beauty." She sniffed at this tragic past.

Ed was rocking himself back and forth, sobbing hysterically. This was very upsetting to him. Al stood and watched them, thinking over his life choices. _I should have gone to beauty school,_ he thought sadly.

"One day, I clapped my hands because I had gotten an A instead of an A+ on my test, so my parents didn't curse me. Then I tripped and fell forward, because I'm cutely clumsy, like Bella Swan! My hands slammed down on a horse and somehow turned it into a gold pail!"

"Duuuuude!" Ed exclaimed. "You're awesome! That totally doesn't defy all the laws and rules of alchemy or anything! Going against the crucial principles? Nosiree!" He and Evangeline laughed together.

The blonde girl zipped her coat up. "Well, now that we've met, I have automatic access to travel with you guys on missions and stuff, even with no personal motives."

"Awesome!" The older Elric grinned gleefully.

"Um, brother?" Alphone chose this moment to speak up. "We're supposed to be looking for the Food Alchemist, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Ed burped. "Well, let's, uh, split up! Yeah! That way, we can get this done quicker so I can go home."

Evangeline giggled. "How about Ed and I go there," she pointed at a building in the distance which suspiciously looked like a hotel, "and Al can go deeper into this alley with Fluffy?" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small orange tabby cat. It meowed for help.

"EHMAGAWD!" Al squealed the way a twelve year old girl might have done in Hollister. He ran over and grabbed the cat. It seemed to be just as scared in his arms.

"I'm going to take care of him like a hairy child!" Alphonse said happily.

Ed and Evangeline pretended to care for a few minutes before they all went their separate ways.

* * *

"Why are we going to the hotel?" Edward asked as his new 'friend' dragged him along.

"Idiot!" she giggled and slapped his arm, because she could insult Ed and get away with it. "Everyone knows that Ed and the female OC need to go to a hotel to get ready for their quest for no particular reason, where they'll be faced with one bed and lots of awkwardness!"

"Oh, yeah."

They went into the hotel and got a room for two. Their room was simple, with a small table, two chairs, and a tiny couch.

And two beds.

Evangeline subtly transmuted one away. Then she said, "Oh, how awful! One bed? I guess we'll have to share..." She sighed happily.

Edward blushed. "I am disturbed. But since I have no choice," he said, ignoring the couch, "I suppose we'll have to sleep ... together."

Evangeline gave a sly smile and sashayed over to him, hips swinging, eyelids low. She purred into his ear, "I don't mind. We have all the time in the world, Edo-kun..."

"W-Wait!" Edward squawked, blushing. "I'm supposed to be a sexually naive teenager!"

"Puh-lease. This is an Ed/OC fanfiction and I'm a flawless OC. Those don't exist!"

"Oh."

Then, he tackled Evangeline onto the bed with a renewed passion, and the two got right to making babies.

* * *

Meanwhile, Al wasn't having much luck.

"Darnit! I can't find the Food Alchemist anywhere? Where could he have gone?" He wondered to himself as he walked down the deserted town's paths.

"Do you know where he is, Fluffy?" he asked the kitten in his arms.

"Let me go! Jesus, first I'm stuck with that crazy bitch, and now this weirdo?! Can't I just live a normal cat life? Is that too much to ask?!" Fluffy meowed angrily.

Al giggled and pulled him closer. "I think he likes me!" he exclaimed to a nearby lampost, who edged away cautiously.

Al walked on, humbly strolling down the sidewalk. He was lucky there was no one to gawk at him, because a suit of armor holding a grumpy cat was an odd sight that the town of Prane was not accustomed to. So Al was safe from anyone who wished to judge him and his, er, hobbies.

Suddenly, someone appeared in front of the young alchemist. It was Joe! Or Alfred. Whatever his name was, he looked odder up close, with a curly mustache, thick eyebrows and an even thicker accent. "You are Alphonse Elric, yes?" It sounded German, Al thought, then scolded himself. Germany didn't even exist here! This Mary Sue fic was really messing with his brain...

"I am," Alphonse confirmed.

Joe/Alfred gave a dark chuckle, flipping his hood over his head. "I'm used to fighting main characters. You're lucky the authoress has decided to take pity on you."

"Um. Alright." There wasn't much else he could say at this point.

"The name's Alfred! The Food Alchemist. Surely you've heard of me and my evil skills." To prove this, he slammed his hands down on Fluffy. Soon, Al was holding a hot dog instead of a cat.

"Aha! See?" Alfred smiled.

"Nooooooooooo!" Al cried, falling to his knees in despair. "Fluffy! You ... You monster!" With a vicious roar, he tossed the hot dog at his enemy. Alfred blinked as it bounced off his torso. Then, he snatched it up and swallowed it.

"I have but no choice!" Alfred said mournfully. "Only felines provide the nutrient I need: protein."

Al blinked. "Why not just eat chickens?"

"Why on Earth would I do that?!"

"They have a lot of protein, but they're less cute!" the young boy pointed out. Fans over the world writhed in agony at this OOCness.

"Oh. Good point. I HAVE CONVERTED TO THE CHICKEN RELIGION!"

"Yay!" Alphonse cheered. "Chicken for all!"

And the two headed off to the nearest butcher shop together.

* * *

Soon, Ed was starting to become more and more in character, as the author had discovered leftover brownies, and had forgotten about holding the spell that rendered him useless to Mary Sue powers. So he had long pushed Evangeline off of him and was now watching her pout.

"Listen," he tried to reason as Evangeline winked coyly at him. "I get you like me. Everyone does. But we've just met and I'm not into one night stands so..."

"Oh, that's okay, Edo!" Evangeline grinned. "I already have our wedding plans!"

The authoress decided to put our young alchemist into his misery. Laughing maniacally, she removed the spell from our young alchemist.

The glazed look disappeared from his golden eyes, rendering them sharp and focused rather than lovesick. Edward, _real _Edward, blinked. "Wha...? Who the hell are you? And where's Al?!"

Evangeline pouted. "Don't you remember me, Edo-kun? I'm your new wife!"

Edward stared for a moment. Was this another rabid fangirl? She was pretty, sure, but she had a crazed look in her eyes, the look of a girl who's main goal in life was his love and hand in marriage.

AKA, an enemy that even the strongest homunculi would cower in the face of.

"Listen, ma'am," he said, trying to sound polite. "I think you have the wrong guy..."

"No way!" She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He yelped and tried to pull away, but she had arms of steel.

"We're destined to be together forever, Edward Elric! We're soulmates!"

Ed finally managed to push him off of her. "Get _off_ me!" he hissed. "Listen, lady, I don't who you think you are–"

"I'm Evangeline, darling!"

"–but I have a brother who needs me! I don't have time to get married! Especially not to someone I've never met! So you can just–"

"Oh, your short temper makes you all the more attractive! I bet you're really aggressive in bed!" She winked, and Ed, despite turning a bright red, yelled:

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! AND I'M NOT SHOOOOORT!"

* * *

Al wasn't having much luck, either. As soon as he and Alfred got to the butcher shop, he had tried to transmute the chicken into protein. He ended up with a white powder, as the chicken was already protein filled.

"You, young lad, have lied to me!" he accused, pointing a finger at Al's deadpanning form.

"You don't TRANSMUTE the chicken!" he said for the thousandth time. "You just eat it!"

"Then how shall I inject it with protein?"

"You don't! It's already filled with protein!"

"Oh." He smiled, scooping up a stray chicken leg. The butcher had long fled the shop, fearing for his life. "Why didn't you just say so?"

Alphonse was on the brink of a meltdown when Ed appeared, running into the store, cheeks pink, eyes desperate. "Al!"

"Brother?" Alphonse asked, crossing his fingers. "Are you back?"

"Yes! Damnit, I'm sorry about before! I didn't mean to ditch–"

"Brother, I appreciate your apology, but shouldn't we catch this guy first?"

"Oh." Edward blinked. "Right." His eyes traveled to said guy, widening when he took him in. "You!"

"Ah, yes, Edward Elric. It is I, Alfred Munch–"

"Dude, are you Alfred or Joe?" Ed cut in. "'Cause it's sort of confusing."

"I am Alfred!" Jo – Alfred snapped. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. It is I, Alfred Munchit, the Food Alchemist! And I have come to eat chicken!"

"Wha?" Ed turned to his brother, confused. "I thought this guy was some psycho who turned cats into fast food!"

"He converted to Chickenism," Al explained.

"Oh."

The three stood in awkward silence, as none of them were quite sure of what to do. Finally, the author grew bored.

A cat poofed out of no where. It was Fluffy. "Fuck!" he meowed. "These bastards again!"

"A cat!" Alfred cried, and lunged toward it. He swept dear Fluffy into his arms, cackling. "You will make a tasty meal, my sweet!"

"So much for Chickenism," Ed muttered through gritted teeth as he and Al got into a fighting position.

Then, out of no where, a light shone. All four turned to said light, which was shining through the store doorway. And there stood Evangeline, looking cutely determined. She sparkled (because she was a vampire-werewolf hybrid) and clapped her hands before slamming them on the wall next to the door. Immediately, a fist of rock came charging toasted Alfred. The Elrics stared, shocked.

"Take that!" Evangeline yelled. "No one messes with Edo-kun!"

But before he was hit, Alfred fished a moldy burger out of his pocket and whipped it at her. As it went sailing, the rock slammed into him, and he flew over the counter and onto the floor, where he now lay still.

The burger smashed onto Evangeline's perfect face, spreading its wilting lettuce and fungi all over her features. The sauce dripped down her chin, the meat lay in gray pieces on her cheeks, and her hair had a brown tomato slice lying in it.

All in all, she looked messy. And almost ... ugly.

All of a sudden, Evangeline cried out in pain. "Ahhhhhh!" she screamed. "My weakness!"

"Your weakness is burgers?" Alphonse inquired, confused.

Evangeline chose to communicate with him, despite the fact that he wasn't Ed. "No! I'm a Mary Sue! I have to look perfect! But now, I look hideous!"

"So you're no longer perfect!" Ed seemed very happy about this. He scooped up a handful of raw beef from the floor - trying not to gag - and tossed it at the Mary Sue, who was currently writhing on the ground. It splattered over her dress, ruining the silky material. Beef remains sprayed on her legs, staining her golden skin with red. With this, she began to MELT, and the Elrics exchanged a half confused-half terrified glance before resuming their attack, determined to get rid of the true enemy as possible. Even Alfred offered his help, whipping more moldy food at her.

Within seconds and a few final dying shrieks, Evangeline was a golden puddle. And even that disappeared in a bout of golden sparkles, which evaporated into the air. They smelled like honey.

"Of course," Al sighed. "Even her death smelled good."

Ed gave his brother a grim smile, which soon turned into an apologetic frown. "Al, listen, I really am sorry about that whole thing with that crazy chick. I swear, she put some sort of freaky spell on me or something! I had no idea what I was doing!"

"It's alright, Brother. She did seem hard to resist."

Ed sighed. "It's the pretty ones you gotta watch out for ... I think."

"And you, Mr. Munchit, have to—" Alphonse wheeled around to face the original criminal at hand. Instead, he stared at empty air. "He's gone!"

"Forget him, Al." Edward gave a smile. "You changed him to Chickenism … sort of. And besides, he helped us defeat that whackjob, so he's good in my books! Let's go grab some burgers and then head on home."

And so they did just that, munching happily on some chicken burgers on the train ride to Central, deciding to put the day's oddness behind them. Yet, they couldn't shake the weird aftertaste with each bite of their burgers.

In the distance, Alfred Munchit cackled madly. In an even further distance, Fluffy skipped off into the sunset, finally free from having to deal with annoying anime characters.

* * *

**and this, children, is my mad descent into crack fics. **

**actually, i was looking through my iPod Touch and i was reading all my notes and stuff, and i found this. i vaguely remember writing this some time in 2012, when i had consumed two slices of chocolate mousse cake, three cupcakes, a brownie and a can of Coke. so i was pretty much drunk on sugar. this probably explains why none of this makes sense.**

**but, hey, why not post it for the readers of to laugh at? :D it _is _a crackfic! it must fulfill its purpose! **

**i apologize in advance for all the bad jokes. Tumblr has ruined my sense of humor. give me a good, elaborate joke and i'll crack a smile. but go, "when u mom come home and make hte spaghetti" (spelled wrong on purpose) and i will laugh off half my body weight. **

**sigh.**

**anywaaaay, i really hope this is still somewhat enjoyable to read! ^_^ please read and review and all that jazz.**

**shemurr.**

**why am i still here? i don't even know.**

**i feel like i'm forgetting something ... OH YEAH!**

**i personally do not believe in Mary Sues. but my thirteen year old self obviously did, as she wrote this. basically, i think everyone has their own ideals of perfection. and Mary Sues are supposed to be loved by all, but writers hate them, usually. and there are some that consider total perfection to be a character flaw so that means they're not perfect and they're not Mary Sues? i don't know...**

**but anyway, this is just the kind of character i dislike greatly. and that most people refer to as a Mary Sue. so yeah.**

**AND THIS WAS NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND ANY ED/OC WRITERS. I AM WRITING AN ED/OC FIC MYSELF (check it out heheh shameless advertising). I LOVE LOTS OF THEM. MOST OC FICS I'VE READ HAVE BEEN AWESOME. THIS WAS ONLY INTENDED FOR HUMOR. IF I OFFENDED YOU, I AM SORRY. HAVE A VIRTUAL COOKIE.**

**buh-bye, now! :) **


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